Depression, anorexia and back to health

I stopped my slight medication as soon as I had made my mind, and left. But this medication wasn’t for my lungs or chest. I shall say I had been for two weaks, resting in a psychiatric hospital, though by my own volition and I could leave when I wanted, which I did, after being disgusting seeing human beings being stripped away of what made them, them. At that time I had no real prospect of a future, no ambition, no certitude either. And no one to rely on.

After my baccalaureat, I tried a higher literary class, which was foolish to the utmost as I passionately hated anything literary, and still do. But I had my first encounter with ancient Greek, and for that I am glad. My health and mental state getting worse (from finding no real friends, boyfriend or girlfriend), I lost the motivation while my grades weren’t that bad, mid-year. I then tried an English class at the nearest university, since I was very good in English, having I believe, the best grade in this matter. I loved traduction. But I didn’t have more motivation and to be honest I did that to keep the scholarship on social criteria. And to calm my parents, which I still was living with. When thing got even more impossible, with them or between them to be precise, I went on living alone in a university accommodation.

In maybe three months maybe, I couldn’t or wouldn’t leave my room, or the bare minimum. And it got to the point where I could barely physically do it anymore. It was then, that I got back in my parents’ house, then to the hospital. And quickly after I left.

My first reaction, when I saw him at the train station was “Is that it ?”, in the most hurtful way possible, to someone who was already so full of love and gentleness. It felt like a knife stab, I have been said this enough the time passing, to not even attempt to make an excuse.

But to my defense, I remember having been in a really terrible mental state, and it would take a whole month to not be in that state 24/24. I had been said to have “schizoid tendencies”, along being bulimic-anorexique (more on the bulimic side, fortunately). Now a better word is “Asperger”. Though it doesn’t talk much to whoever never felt that way, never knew what it felt like lacking any empathy or ability to connect to people on a fundamental level. Feeling nothing, while craving for love and knowing it, is no better than being dead.

But one month after, I was quite healthy, I had taken on more weight (muscles), and could run again. I don’t remember how much I ate, but it was something to behold, at least compared to previously. Though it was hard on me, I could hardly do anything other eating and sleeping.

For the first time in a year, I had found a purpose, and goals to set upon myself, and loving hands extended to help me stand... though I would spit on these repetitively.

When you'll read this, pardon me, my love, you do have to ressent me, for I hate myself more than I could make you understand it. You own me, however many times I would and probably will again pretend the opposite.

Raw eating and human instincts, Part 1

I better start from the beginnings. 

My world-view changed considerably when at 19, I found a website of a certain someone that had strived for his entire life and paid the hardest price for it, though not losing his will to fight. That person, researched human nature for years, and by setting up specific living conditions and somewhat of a protocol to uncondition others from ingrained modern eating habits, he made It possible to observe behaviors and medical (in lack of lack of another term) realities wholly unknown until then, and still widly rejected, as with all novelties.

These experiences and observations, have the potential to change completely our conceptions of human nature, both body and mind/soul, and our conception of our place in the universe.

I came up on his website, to find a solution to both my lasting and worsening depressive state, and more importantly, my lung problems of unknown etiology which baffled physicians and which wouldn’t even let me enough energy to run, while I always was a very active and a bit of a tearaway, to be honest.

Facing the prospect of taking regular medications, I took a few belongings and went see thse people to at least, live enough by their side to get the hang of this “diet”(or rather new “practical philosophy”) and see my health come back.

I won’t lie: I have already had, an incredible, otherworldly feeling with and toward this man, with which I fell in love more than I ever had. I didn’t plan on coming back. But he did nothing special nor preyed on me, just provided advises and explanations regards to his own writings.
I thought I was bisexual before, though I lacked any practical experience. At least know I was sure. But these labels proved completely useless, to describe the wealth of feelings, longings and overtures that would become my new reality.

Introduction

I write in this blog to purge ease my soul, as my life isn’t exactly that exhilarating, and I need to put my thoughts in order. I’m 27, have a degree in history and am finishing another in biology. I’m also Asperger, and what many would call a deviant, sexual and political. By that I mean wholly outside the norm… though I do believe I uphold the highest moral values.

If you’re a free spirit and not dogmatic, which means you consider truth is more like a beacon than something one could ever possess entirely, feel free to read. If you’re full of irrational hate to the point of distorting history and ignoring material facts or impossibilities, well… feel free to leave comments, I’ll decide which to keep anyway.

I hope my experiences are of use to some people.